Posts Tagged ‘life’
Life is like a line.
It is a single line,
endless from beginning to start.
You can only see
as far as your horizon takes you,
and that is why the line is endless.
That line remains,
and only you make it move.
You can make it move
every time you make a decision.
Every time you deviate
from what makes you still,
in beautiful vibrations of life.
San Bernardino, CA
Before I knew it, I was at the train station in San Bernardino, and Barnhart, my host out there, was ten minutes away with his girlfriend, Gigi. “Don’t go exploring, you’re in gang territory,” says Gigi over Barnhart. “Gang territory?” (It kind of felt like a shady place to stick around.) “Yeah, you know, the Bloods and the Crypts do business out there. Don’t wear anything red.” I look down at my red plaid shirt, and I start to panic. “I’m wearing red. Come find me, now.” Gigi takes the phone and says, “Get yourself inside somewhere. We’re on our way,” and before the line cuts off, I hear her say “shit” under her breath.
I waited at the Doughnut King nearby. The nice Asian shop owner gave me some extra doughnuts with my egg, ham, and cheese sandwich order. It was terrible. I picked at it enough to get my fill just as Barnhart and Gigi arrived. I was so glad to be leaving that area; some kids were loitering outside the shop, giving me funny looks. Barnhart was driving a big white truck, holding a 64-ounce cup of diet coke from Circle K. We had a quick hug and shake, and I threw my bags in the backseat. Barnhart had a ruffled look about him, as if hadn’t slept much lately.
Barnhart used to work in real estate back east, but was originally from California. After a two-month solo adventure in Cambodia that almost got him arrested and killed, he returned home to begin more lucrative ventures. He started a delivery business that covers most of the area, and that has been his most recent passion project. For as long as I’ve known him, he has always worn Berkenstock sandals, in every occasion. Even in the midst of winter, he’d wear those sandals.
The drive was comical. Barnhart kept the 64-ounce cup of diet coke in his lap, and while driving with his left hand, he played the drums with a bound bundle of chopsticks in his right. The radio was not on, but still he kept a beat while asking me how things were going. The conversation was nice enough. On occasion he would drift into a separate conversation with Gigi, who sat in the back. The highway drive was dangerous like this, but I didn’t mind. My eyes were too busy looking out at the mountains ahead.
And so it began – the chaotic void of all space and time stirred,
and contracted, and breathed in explosive thought.
In a pop and a crack and a bang there was love, and love lived
in ignorant bliss. Space and time sat around love,
watched it grow, and had it do great things for them.
Over time, love spread across space and time to the point of infinity,
of near-motionlessness, and it was at this point that love grew lonely.
Time and space felt this longing for awareness and understanding,
and knew what love needed. Love needed life.
Love needed life to be loved.
Time and space had love create life,
and with sweet satisfaction, it gave birth
to the moons, the planets, and the stars.
The elements of life stirred and swirled in a universe of color,
and love no longer knew what it meant to be lonely.
The essence of the sun shows us, in the emptiness of space, objects of reflection. It shows us that we exist – one thing looking at the other, the other looking back – an infinite respect and understanding that there is something else out there. Do you see the constant back and forth? This is this because this is this. A rose is a rose is a rose, a trinity Gertrude Stein saw all too well.
But if we were to step away from it with a third-person perspective on all things, we would understand the true experience of life, living on a marble of water and fire and earth and wind, the four elements of life that provide self-awareness on an unmeasurable scale. We are blessed with cognitive thought, and cursed with it’s emotional reactions. Love and hate, the strongest feelings we have, are synonymous. It all depends on your connection to the thing, your attraction, your attention. Why do you hate, why do you love? Reasons for this are hard to explain without emotion, without self-awareness.
El Paso, TX
I don’t think my uncle wanted me to leave. I think he would have benefitted greatly if I stayed a couple months and helped him cope with loss, and possibly expand his business. I’m confident that my brief stay showed him that he has family that loves him in more places than one, and that he’s capable of so much as a bachelor. The sexual element of his freedom is not important; the prestige of independent success is worth fighting for. Again, he will do what he must to reconnect with his family. I’m but a catalyst in a post-divorce return to society, and he welcomed the gift of my presence as much as I welcomed all the things he taught me. Like a ripple effect in a great body of water, he and I made motions that would have never occurred if I didn’t take this journey. The need for our entire family to reconnect has never been more paramount. I left around 5pm, and ate a home-made burrito as the sun went down over New Mexico.
The emptiness of boredom strikes hardest when your incessant attempts to find a purpose bear no fruit. A feeling of hopelessness manifests and begins to unroll a downward spiral of depression. We must find purpose out there. With all this seemingly free time, there is a talent we all have that can be marketed. What to do? How can we do it? Why? What’s the point of trying? The point is – we are better than the next, better qualified to see the world as it is, better prepared to fit into any open space, seamlessly willing to do what others will not.